*Part 2* *Hypnotherapist Vance Romane Reveals* *How to detect and protect yourself from liars, scammers and gaslighting* Here is an actual written premeditated plan from a gas lighter’s personal diary to leave a marriage as well as the children for freedom and a financially independent life: - *The move- “go or I go alone.”* - *The house-personal attack on any observation or stated preference* - *The GST-Decision to work for financial independence* - *The JEEP-Initial legal consult* - *The Spring Break-Groundwork for divorce* - *This week’s JOKE- “No cheques” (cash only) …when all is said and done who can trust anyone.* Gaslighting can be done by dictators, politicians, advertisers, salespersons, in a relationship or a marriage, by a friend, relative or employer. The target of the abuse often respects the manipulator and does not want to lose or upset the relationship. This unequal power dynamic gives the manipulator more power. The victim has trouble believing that someone so close to them would purposely try to hurt them, because at times the manipulator *seems* to be helpful, loving, caring or romantic. You may want to show that you love, trust, or have faith in them by giving them total control over management of finances, but that is like having an unsupervised fox watch your henhouse. The manipulator may say or think something like: “The best way to get ahead is to fake sincerity.” They may offer to help you, but after one minute they disappear. They twist your complaint, with rapid fire confusing statements, into what somehow becomes your fault. A gift to them becomes “you just want something from me”. They are displeased with everything you do, leaving you bewildered. At other times, they may roll their eyes or glance at you as if you are dumb or give you a look of disbelief. They might say, “Why can’t you be more like your uncle or your brother?” “Why do you always have to talk to your brother for advice?” You will not receive any compliment for your hard work and success. They may try to isolate you and tell you that your neighbours, friends, co-workers, and relatives think poorly of you. Alternatively, they may tell you that all others are bad people, and they are the only one who loves and understands you. For example, “Our neighbour has been stealing the newspaper every day. The delivery guy sat in his car and saw him.” This is an attempt to get you to confront your neighbour with an unfounded accusation such that the neighbor is a witness to your erratic mental state. The spin doctor may tell others you are exhibiting strange behavior so they will not believe your accusations of being victimized. Instead, the schemer plays the victim to people you know. In a marriage, they may have unlimited finances but choose to drive an old rusty van or to wear worn out, drab clothing to enhance their act of being the victim to evoke attention and sympathy. They may purposely try to upset you by an action such as driving the car at high speed towards the garage door with a hair to spare. After you suggest being more careful, they do it again. If you do not get angry, they might mutter under their breath, “I wonder why he/she is not getting angry.” They might invite older boys for a sleepover with your younger daughter without discussion or bring a dog into the home if your child has an allergy. They often thrive on the drama of chaos because they feel power in creating disorder. These types of people make your life a nightmare. In fact, you may still have nightmares about them 20 years after you parted. Many of these techniques are the same methods cults use to “brainwash” people. (Visit my blog at *www.vanceromane.com <http://www.vanceromane.com>* for a full list of methods used by cults). After the manipulator gets what they want, perhaps your money, they may say something like: “You don’t get it do you. I admit I am devious” or “it was a set-up”, as they gloat on “playing you”. They may gleefully drop a clue before they scam you as in: “I bought a lottery ticket. I’m going to win the lottery this weekend.” They are quite proud of themselves and see themselves as much smarter than you. The abused sufferer can become depressed, succumb to serious stress induced illness, think they are losing their mind, or may even commit suicide. The victim needs the help of a trauma therapist. A total break from the manipulator is best. The gaslighter usually cannot be changed by reasoning. They will likely look for someone else to control or try to come back to you years later, if they feel there is something in it for them. The manipulator often has low self-esteem, is extremely sensitive to criticism, and has unpredictable sudden mood swings with explosive anger. They are furious if they are ignored. Their fragile ego is strengthened by making you feel inferior. This type of disorder may also be associated with narcissism, bipolar disorder, borderline personality, excessive emotionality and antisocial personalities. The emotional abuse may progress towards physical abuse. Examples: “Would you like a massage?” The massage is nothing but sadistic, painful, hard fist pounding on your back. If you snore, you might be fisted a couple of times in your kidneys with enough force to kill you. They may come up behind you screaming and squeeze their hands around your throat. They may offer to make your favorite meal just for you, poison it, then after you have eaten it, take your pulse. Be concerned if they are obsessed with watching murder mystery shows, have had numerous short marriages or relationships, or they have changed parts of their name several times. These can be everyday people. They may use a cover such as joining an association which is against violence. It could be the nurse wearing a necklace with a cross, who faithfully attends church every Sunday, or a leader of a country who is gifted with a fabulous friendly smile. In a healthy relationship, people nurture each other. They are cooperative, complementary, not manipulative, or competitive. Trauma therapists see many people who have been gaslighted. Check out the full movie *Gaslight*. A free version is on YouTube and it will give you a dramatic understanding of gaslighting. Gaslighting is insidious, proceeds in a slow and subtle way, creating a highly disruptive and disturbing situation, yet it remains unidentified by many trauma victims. The first step towards healing is to identify and name it for what it is, then to escape the relationship, and finally to see a specialized trauma therapist. When people are doing what borders on evil, the explanation of their behavior usually lies in their obsession for your money, control and power, or sex. I always recall the cartoon where a flying saucer circles earth and the alien says, “step on it, too primitive here, we’ll come back when they reach a higher level of development and civilization.” Have you had the unfortunate experience of a relationship with a serial liar, being scammed or gaslighting? Yet, have you still had a longing that this had worked out better so you could be together? If you are lucky, you will run into a wise old friend who says to you “who wants to live with a liar, you don’t know how lucky you are!” *About M. Vance Romane* Over 55 years ago, M. Vance Romane became fascinated with the human mind and books about Psychology and Hypnosis. He is a graduate of the University of Manitoba, having studied mostly psychology and sociology. He was a psychological technician at Psychiatric Institute, Winnipeg Health Sciences Centre, a full-time hypnotherapist, and has presented thousands of hypnosis presentations and better health hypnosis seminars throughout North America. He is also the author of two hypnosis books and over 100 hypnosis recordings that are distributed world-wide. Permission is granted for distribution of this exact article, in whole or in part, without changes, to friends, newsletters, print, electronic or digital media, with credit to M. Vance Romane as the author. For more information on M. Vance Romane's hypnosis seminars, books and recordings, visit http://www.vanceromane.com M.V.P. Ltd. (Romane Seminars) Box 75177, RPO White Rock Surrey, BC V4A 0B1 Phone: 604 538 1111 or 1 800 665 4656 vanceromane.com romane.ca